Not sure why I do this to myself. Abandoned my team because I thought I wasn’t meant for them. Lost faith in us. My family is disappointed and as lost about me as I am. Today I argued with my mom again, about the same shit. Money, school, and a lack of direction. I had a direction once and lost it, perhaps because of ego, fear, and maybe out of pain. I’d been hurt by my friends for their behavior, but now I am suffering. Disconnected from my original artistic team, and in such a financial mess that I am unsure about where I am headed. I have my faith in God and in my destiny, but what then am I doing wrong? Where am I going wrong? Is it in my desire to be alone and the only one? Or I should say my “ego’s” desire to be the only one and on its own. But how hypocritical. I don’t even want to be an artist but I allow whatever feeling to creep into my conscience and convince me that I need the credit, that I need to be on top, the leader, the recognized, the prestigious. But how shallow? I mean I think it is part of human nature to want recognition, but where am I going wrong? I don’t want to do this art thing alone. I want my team back. I want to be a part of Colours of the Culture. I want to be co-founder, creative director, artistic director, producer, and song writer. I would also like to write articles and such. That is my only way of making money and establishing progress. What about fears of failure and Niko’s flaws? Can I correct where things go wrong? This was my job before. Long as we can see money and return, and as long as my positions are delineated and clear, I want a cut. I get paid by Colours of the Culture for my services. What bothers me is that I want to be co-founder, co-leader at least, not just some employee of a company, especially if my services are integral. That way I can quit all my jobs and start my services. I am an artist working for Colours and I provide services. I can produce videos, songs, lyrics, write-ups, but I don’t want to work as an artist. Strange when you realize what you actually want is what was intended for you and not what your ego desires.

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